No One Is Nice! (Especially YOU!)

I don’t mean this in some nihilistic sense, by the way.  And I don’t mean it in the sense that when someone does something nice they are doing it for purely selfish reasons, to “feel good”.

That’s an old argument for others to make (though I think that it’s quite valid).  What I’m going to say is far more practical and far less philosophical.

Whether people are “good” or not, “nice” or not, at a fundamental level is irrelevant to your daily experience of them.  What matters to you is if people DO good.

Do you do good?  I hope so.  Does that make you nice.  Hell no.

In fact doing good and being nice are totally different when you take a short term view.  In the short term,  being nice is often quite bad.

A lot of the issues in modern society revolve around this difference.  Now, don’t get me wrong…you can definitely do bad in the attempt to do good.  I’d say that the real goal is to be kind, which I think is totally different from being nice.

The difference becomes quite obvious when you look at the definitions (from Google):

And…

 

Often, giving someone pleasure and satisfaction will get in the way of being considerate.

It’s not nice to stick a needle into a 2yo but it’s kind because vaccinations prevent them from getting sick later.

The reason it’s important to understand the difference is because as in the example above, being nice can get in the way of being kind and kindness determines the success of people and long term relationships far more.

The fact is that other people are annoying.  Even your favorite people will piss you off if you spend enough time with them.  Each person is a combination of both positive and negative traits and impulses, including you.

Now the balance will vary from person to person and your positives with one person will be negatives for another person.  In short term or very limited relationships like you have with the barista at your local Starbucks or your next door neighbor the exposure is so limited that it’s easy to always present a positive demeanor towards them–to be nice.

But when you are with someone for long stretches of time, it’s impossible to hide your worst.  Hiding your worst would be the nice thing to do, but then when it leaps out at them later, they’ll feel confused and betrayed.

It’s far kinder to let them know in advance what your weaknesses are and in what ways you don’t meet up to their ideal image of what they want in a partner (business, sex, dating, girlfriend or other).

Now it’s not nice to tell people that they can’t have exactly what they want, and it’s scary to open up to people because they might not want to be with the real you.

Now, that’s true, but the alternative is really far, far worse.

If you don’t let people know what you’re really like, and they sign up to be with you, you’ll be stressed working to tamp down and hide your negatives.  That pressure builds up over time and definitely takes a mental and emotional toll.

You’ll always be terrified that when they find you out, you’ll lose that person and of course you’ll also be unhappy because you’re not living out the life you want.

You’ll start to resent that relationship because of the sacrifices you have to make for them and one day, who you really are will come out.

And when that happens, that person has every right to be angry with you for running a bait-and-switch scam on them.  If you really care about that person, you’ll feel terrible when you see how deeply you hurt and disappointed them.

The worst part is that it was all preventable if you’d just communicated properly up front.  Sometimes even when you try, you’ll mess this up because it takes time to know yourself, for sure.

In a new relationship, when you’re more worried about keeping them and you’re caught in the fantasy ideal you’ve projected onto them, it’s easy to make promises and think that you’ll keep them.  It’s hard to look back to your past and accept the future it predicts.  I’m not saying that you can’t break past behavioral patterns, but what I am saying is that you should warn people in your life about those proclivities so they can be prepared for them when they happen.

I make a habit on a first date of asking women what’s wrong with them.  What’s not good about them and what might make it so I wouldn’t like them.

It’s a great chance for you to find out what’s gotten in the way of her having successful relationships in the past—and her too because a lot of women have never thought about it before.

Some girls might say that they are always late, for example.  And that might be ok for you while it might drive another guy totally crazy.

One time a girl told me that she had a really bad temper.  I asked her some questions about what kind of things trigger it and then when she blew up at me several weeks later, I was shocked at first, but then I realized that this is exactly what she warned me about so I didn’t take it personally though I noted it so that I could do a better job of not triggering it again.

Conversely, I’ve seen plenty of people reluctantly try long distance relationships when they already knew that they would want to see other people, but didn’t want to tell their partner.  They don’t want to seem like they don’t really love their boyfriend, and they don’t want to hurt their feelings or seem slutty for going off to a foreign country and finding a new guy within a few weeks.

So they make some vague promises, pushing it off until later and hoping it will all work out somehow.  Then a month later she posts a picture on her Instagram and there is a comment from a guy who seems far too familiar for a girl who is supposed to have a boyfriend.

Then the suspicious boyfriend confronts her about it and she tries to innocently explain it away…this drags on for week or months.

She wastes time pretending that everything is fine, hiding what she’s doing and placating him because she wants to be nice to him while he’s wasting time he could spend looking for another girl—worrying about his relationship with her, monitoring her closely and parsing every bit of information he can get to figure out what’s really going on.

It would be far kinder for her to have said that she really loved her boyfriend but that she wanted to have a different experience and the freedom to do what she wanted without having to think about him and his feelings and that she understands that this might mean the end of their relationship forever but that it’s something she needs to do.

Or maybe, she could have said that she’s going away because she thinks it will be a good experience for her and while she’s scared about how that will affect their relationship, it’s important for her and she doesn’t know how she’ll feel about him when she’s away so he shouldn’t expect anything from her until she has some time and that she understands that she can’t expect him to wait for her or be available to her if she wants to be with him again.

I know this isn’t easy.  And it’s not even simple, because it can be very hard to communicate to others the uncertainty that we feel and it’s very natural to avoid these kinds of difficult conversations.

It’s much easier to procrastinate and put these things off and say that we’re being “nice” by saving them from dealing with truths they wouldn’t want to handle.  We decide to take what we think is the easy route of denying what we really feel and believe and trying to manage it all by ourselves.

My client was recently in a situation where because he wasn’t upfront about his needs and wants he started seeing other women on the side and when his “girlfriend” found out that he was getting his wants and needs met elsewhere, she flipped out and started wreaking havoc on his life and the side girl’s life too.

This girl was disowned by her family after the “girlfriend” contacted them and told them about what their daughter had really been up to on all those trips and he lost his job as part of this too.

Maybe you’re honest enough with yourself to admit that it’s not your attempts to be nice that are the problem, but your fear that no one will accept the real you.

Well..I’ve got GREAT news for you.  Other people, especially if they are decent and well adjusted, are walking around terrified of the exact same thing.  And when you are willing to be up front about how you might disappoint them, they can accept it because they know their shit stinks as much as yours.

And when you can be honest with them and they can be honest with you, you have a real basis for negotiation which is what successful relationships are actually all about.

I have a friend who was an inveterate swinger.  He dated a girl for many years while he openly continued his swinging lifestyle.  She wanted to marry him and have a family with him.  He reminded her about his swinging ways and his intention to continue that.  She said she wanted to be with him anyway.

You never know…everyone has skeletons in their closet and it’s only when you are kind and confident that you can play, “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”

And if you have a hard time being honest with yourself, I highly recommend reading, Radical Honesty

How to Run Game Solo

If you’re out solo gaming, here are your best strategies.

1) Mixed 3-set

Find a mixed 3-set (2 girls and one guy) and take the girl that he’s ignoring.  Most guys always focus in on the girl they like leaving the 2nd girl really bored, so she’ll generally be really happy to have someone to talk to.  Sometimes guys can be hostile, especially if you’re foreign and the guy is local.

If he’s another foreigner though, he will usually be quite happy to have you there to handle the friend because he recognizes that this will make it much easier for him.

In this case, it’s really important that you communicate with him what your strategy is because a lot of times they won’t have one at all so you need to fill him in on what it is you’re trying to do.

For example, you can tell him that you want to take your girl to the bar, or go outside and that you’ll be back with your girl shortly.  You will really need to direct the whole set and you should keep an ear out for what he’s doing and saying and help him fill in any lulls in the conversation.

2) 3-sets

In the case where you open a set with 3 girls, then you have a somewhat easier situation because the other two girls can hang out together once you isolate your target.

Early in the set, you need to win over the other two girls and you need your target to show that she’s into you so that her friends don’t mind to leave her with you for at least some time.

Once you get level 2 isolation then you need to keep an eye on the friends.  It’s typical that in the first 5-minutes or so they will be totally cool with you talking to their friend, but as time goes on, they’ll start to glance over at you more often and move closer to you.

You need to pay attention to this so that you’re not surprised when they finally make a move to join your conversation or to pull your girl away.

If you notice them getting antsy, looking bored and like they want their friend back, the best thing you can do is to lead by bringing your girl back to them.  This makes you out to be a good considerate guy and makes it easier to isolate her more later.

At this point, you have the choice to eject from the set with the idea to find them later OR to take them to the dance floor, or to the bar to get drinks.  I think that it’s often better to eject because almost invariably there will be some point where the girls will want to all go off to the bathroom or something to have a chat, but I think you need to make this call based on how much the set seems to like you and how much compliance they’re giving you.

Later in the night, you can re-engage and go for higher isolation levels with your target, especially if the obstacles have had a chance to find guys they like to hang out with.

3) 2-sets

If you approach a 2-set you may not be  able to isolate.  You’ll open the set as usual, and hook both girls.  However instead of moving into level one isolation by bringing in a wing as you would normally do you will ask the obstacle qualifying questions about the target.

The set should run where you’re primarily talking TO THE OBSTACLE but the topic is about the target.  Especially anything you can qualify the target on that the obstacle doesn’t match are great topics so it starts to seem like it makes a lot of sense for you to be with the target.

If you do this right, the obstacle will start to tell you how great the target is and will try to help her “get” you.  You should kino both, but kino the target more.

Usually, if you’re running this well, the obstacle will go to the bathroom or leave you alone with the target for a while.  This is a great time to throw statements of interest (SOIs) at the target directly and to time-bridge and number/qr/chat ID close.

If possible, you can introduce guys into the set and throw them at the obstacle and this can sometimes work.  In this case, you’ll usually need to direct the set the same way that I mentioned in the first part of this article.  Often times, though, the guys won’t be able to handle it an will eject prematurely.

If that’s the case, it’s not big deal as you can proceed to bounce the set to another venue and ultimately put the obstacle in a taxi or drop her off at the train station.

If they live close together and want to travel together, you can alternatively bounce them both back to your place or other closing location.  Once you have them back at the closing location, the obstacle will often “sleep” and basically leave you alone with the target for the close.

Kane has even had the obstacle in the same bed and I once took a girl to her bathroom while 2 of her friends were passed out in her one room place.

Let me know if you have any questions about anything I’ve written above because this can be complex.

Step 1 to Being a Beginner Sociopath

What holds people back in the path to being a sociopath in the Gervais Principle sense, is their desire to be a “good person”.  This usually means that other people like them. And if you want people to like you, you won’t be able to focus on real gains.
(Unless of course, you’re playing at that higher level where people liking you is a tool to get what you really want. )
But in most cases, people are held back by their desire to be liked. They may lose the negotiation but they take comfort in the fact that people like them. And it’s true. It’s easy for everyone to like the loser. They can look down on them and feel pity–and even better feel a sense of superiority.
So what’s not to like?
If you’re like me though, the sight of a loser just reminds you of how low a human can go and you recognize the same ineffective, destructive characteristics in yourself so that the loser is a constant reminder of what might happen to you if I don’t make the hard choices.
I was thinking about this last night because one of my clients was on a date with a girl.  He’s known her from about 4 years ago but because she lives in Taiwan and he lives in San Diego, he hasn’t been able to meet her even though they’ve kept in touch over Facebook all this time.
He’s leaving  in only two days and even though he’s been trying to schedule her for the past week, he wasn’t able to until  last night when he invited her out for drinks.  After drinks he brought her back to our place where he’s staying in the extra bedroom and tried to “make a move”.

She was pretty unreceptive and started looking for an uber soon after.  Lols!

We assured him that this is not unusual and that he learned the most important thing…that she wasn’t interested in sex with him.
Many guys would feel bad about that.  Those same guys will be angry when she chooses to be with some “asshole” instead of them after taking a girl on date after date after date for months and being the nice respectful gentlemen .
These guys, are more concerned with feeling good about themselves and be liked than with getting what they want.  And because of that, they often forfeit what they want.  Many times, in the dating and pickup space, people tell you to not care what other people think.
That’s a pretty high hurdle in my opinion, so I think that step one is making this shift from wanting to be liked to focusing on getting what you want.  it’s not as hard as it may seem.  Because in the moment of decision, you can think, “what do I want, and what can I do to get it.”
Women might read it and cry, “rape!” but the fact is that guys have, across agricultural societies and into modern times, been the ones who chase.
And that means showing intent.
That’s quite a bit different from force.  Showing intent is going to try to kiss a girl and pausing a few centimeters from her face so she has the option to turn her head away or lean away before it actually happens and that’s very different from grabbing a girl’s head and forcing her lips onto yours.
Totally different.
Because if you don’t show intent, other people won’t even know what you want and that robs them of the ability to give it to you.  There is that scene in the movie Fight Club that illustrates this perfectly:
https://youtu.be/KbGw-fnlf1Q
There are a lot of ways to ask and some of them are better than others, but a lot of guys when they are on a date are like the Ed Norton in that scene.  Hoping the girl is going to get the hint and throw themselves at him.
It happens so rarely, it’s not even worth discussing.  And it’s best to assume it never happens because that will drive you toward right action–action that will get you the results you want–on a consistent basis.
The goal of learning pickup and dating skills is the same as memorizing the percentages of each hand in poker.  If you know the precentages then you can make the right decisions based on the probability of each hand winning.
If you want to be liked, you’ll miss out on some of your best plays.

Obscure Status, Deliver Value

This is going to be a fairly quick post as compared to the other two posts I’m working on that are multi week projects to get just right.

Many girls get pretty upset that guys learn PickUp and dating skills in general.  Over the years it’s often been compared to makeup for men.  I always thought that was a good way to look at it, but until recently, I didn’t have such a great way to articulate it that made it  clear why women are so negative about it and also why it’s so effective.

Dating is a combination of a status game and a value game.  It’s a value game in that everything in life is a value game.  Something that has no value is useless to us.

Now, it’s true that in western culture, humanism has made it so that we view each person has being someone worthy of some level of human dignity.  This is how democracy works.  Each person gets an equal say because each person is accorded some basic level of respect in society.

No matter who you are, walking around beating up, kicking or spitting on random people, is rude and unacceptable behavior.  Even doing this to a criminal or a murderer would be considered out of place and it’s why even the death penalty is administered with a minimum desire to inflict pain on the person.

Now, clearly women are looking for the maximum value they can get, but figuring out how much value a given guy has is a difficult problem given that a lot of the value that men can provide is not inherent in who they are.  In evolutionary terms, in addition to good genes, which are relatively easy to determine, there are a lot more attributes that are important given the inherent vulnerability of pregnant women and women with children.

Because this is such a difficult problem women can’t assess a man’s absolute value.  Instead, they assess his relative value, and relative value is what status is.

Assessing someone’s status is also a somewhat difficult problem, but it’s far easier than assessing absolute value.  It’s a kind of shorthand in the same way that if I do an internet search for the 10 most beautiful women of the year, I can get a rough estimate of status, but I’d have no idea if any of those women would make a good long  term (or short term) partner–you never know who has a stank vag and who doesn’t! Lols.

As you can see, that isn’t to say that status is a great measure to use to assess value, but it’s a far easier problem to solve and works well enough that it’s the default method girls use at least for the initial screening problem.  It’s something like how Harvard cuts out anyone with a GPA below a certain level.

One of the reasons that PickUp is so effective for guys when they first get into it is that the first things that you learn are designed to obscure your value so that guys aren’t immediately eliminated.

Improving body language is a key aspect to obscuring status as all throughout the animal kingdom because it provides clues to a person’s disposition.  Speaking more loudly, standing up straight, having open body language, dressing in an eye-catching fashion that draws attention, and engaging people in conversation are all behaviors that imply a level of status that women should pay attention to.

Makeup and fashion work in the same way for women where by using a push up bra, reddening the lips and using eyeliner, they obscure their actual physical features making their value more uncertain and giving them a higher level of exposure to men than they would otherwise get.

As such, it’s no surprise that women really are unhappy with guys learning pickup and dating skills.  It essentially makes their attempts to determine status harder than it would otherwise be.

There are some really interesting side effect of this.  I love the perplexed look on a client’s face when he as a 25yo virgin who’s never chatted up a girl at a club before, gets accused of being a playboy!

The interesting thing is that by obscuring their status, they get the opportunity to present their unique value to women who may never have had gotten the chance to find a guy who is closer to what she’s looking for than she typically comes across in that environment.

So, in the end, it’s win-win for everyone, lols.