This page is a general overview of what “game” and the basic elements you have to understand so that you know what has to happen in your interactions with women to progress from total stranger, to some kind of sexual relationship, whether that means a One Night Stand (ONS), a Same Night Lay (SNL), a Day 2/3/etc close (sex after a first or second date), an exclusive monogamous relationship, or an open ongoing long term relationship (LTR or regular, or reg for short).
Everything I’m going to explain is not magical in any way. It’s a delineation of what naturally happens in interactions between men and women that lead to a sexual relationship. In fact, most of the elements are present in non-sexual relationships too.
This is basically a distilled, compressed, abbreviated abridged Art of Seduction. This is the quick and dirty so you can understand what needs to happen, but I won’t get into the HOW. This page will just cover the what.
If you are really interested in more details, then I will be happy to write more…but anyway, let’s jump in.
Essentially, there are 5 elements. People over the years have divided these up in different ways with the most famous being Mystery’s S3 model which had 3 parts divided into 3 more parts.
I prefer the simplified 5 elements way of presenting it though because I think it’s a more functional way to conceptualize. The S3 model definitely encapsulates more, but it’s a bit overkill for most guys.
I like to call the model I use, the Phase 5 Cycle. You already do all 5 of the things in the cycle, without even realizing it and fail to deploy them in the best possible way to maximize the value of your interactions.
I’m presenting them in the order you’ll most frequently use them when you meet a woman for the first time, but it can be different depending on the environment and your relationship. The most important thing is that you understand what each of these elements does so you can use them appropriately for the given situation.
So the 5 elements are:
- Opening: the beginning of any interaction
- Attraction: having fun
- Qualification: the art of giving compliments
- Comfort: emotional closeness and trust
- Sexcalation: creating and using sexual tension
Let’s take it from the top…
I consider the beginning of any interaction to be opening, whether it’s a total stranger, someone you see everyday or someone you haven’t seen in a decade.
The opening establishes that you are engaging a person and also sets the tone from the interaction going forward. You know the difference when you run into someone and they seem all smiles and genuinely overjoyed to see you vs. when you run into someone and they seem uncomfortable like they want to get a way from you as soon as possible.
That is what I mean when I say that the Open sets the tone for the interaction going forward. How you present yourself towards the other person influences how they feel and how they’ll react to engaging with you.
Sure, the beginning can start off rough, and you can turn it around, but when you’re dealing with people for the first time, whether that’s in person at a bar, club, cafe, or on the street, or if it’s online, how you Open really has an impact on the way they will respond to you.
Of course, the state they’re in is important too, but as you know, if you are in a bad mood and you run into a friend who seems happy to see you, that can change your mood instantly. Or maybe you’ve had the experience of a stranger doing a small favor for you, like holding an elevator door for you longer than they have to…
So, that’s the role of the Open and while it’s the most important element in that without it, nothing happens, it’s also the least important because it’s so fleeting as compared to the “body” of the interaction.
I realize that what I’m going to call attraction is a lot more basic than what most people think of when they think of attraction. I really mean it in the sense of drawing someone to you.
It doesn’t mean they like you, or see you sexually, or anything beyond being willing to give you some level of attention. In general, the way you can hold people’s attention is to have some kind of an emotional impact on them.
That’s why people get riled up over extreme political claims and are riveted by infomercials. The emotional impact of them grabs people’s attention. Depending on the impact will decide how much attention it draws.
While there are a lot of negative ways to do this, and they can work even better than positive emotions, in general I advocate pumping people with positive emotions.
That’s for two reasons…
The first is that it sets the wrong tone for a healthy relationship and the second is that it is more difficult to manage reactions to negative emotions.
In general, what I think you should go for is fun. Simple is that. Give women a fun time with you and they will be attracted at some level. Psychologically healthy people don’t like to spend time around people who make them feel bad.
By making people feel good about themselves, they are far more likely to want to be around you. The trick when meeting women for the first time is that it has to be quick. And because you don’t know them, it can be harder than it is with someone who’s a close friend.
This is partly because you will likely feel more nervous, and more importantly because you don’t have a known shared frame of reference. Stand up comedians talk about a limited number of topics: dating, sex, family life, work, school, current events, stereotypes and pop culture, primarily.
They have to appeal to a large number of people who they know nothing about so they stick to topics that are well within the realm of the experience of most people. This is far different the the types of humor that are available to you with someone you’re close to where you can reference shared experiences or unique knowledge that you know the other person also has.
This is what makes it hard to engage with people when you first meet them and why most people stick to “safe” topics and straight questions. The problem is that those have such a low emotional impact that they are almost useless in generating any level of attraction.
Those have their place in comfort. And it’s pretty obvious why, when you think about it. Someone’s name and where they are from are totally irrelevant if you don’t care about the person at all. If a stranger approaches you and gives you their name, and where they are from, you’re eyes will glaze over and maybe you’ll start to wonder why they are talking to you unless it’s a really attractive guy or girl in which case, you are VERY interested—and in this case, the fact that they are so good looking is what has an emotional impact.
Without attraction, interactions get boring. You know that when you see a two people together and they are having a conversation full of laughter that they really are enjoying that interaction, and if you forget to include this, people will think you’re a bore or even worse, a killjoy.
As I said, qualification is the art of giving meaningful compliments to people. It’s about letting them know that you see good qualities in them and that you appreciate those.
It’s not possible to have a quality relationship with someone if they don’t know that you appreciate them and it’s easy to forget to do this, especially when you’ve been with someone for a long time.
Often times when you first meet someone, guys tend to focus on how attractive a girl is and they think that that is flattering to them. But the key factor in delivering a good compliment is finding something unique about her and bonus points go to you if it’s something that she wishes she were admired and respected for but isn’t.
We all have public accomplishments that may or may not be meaningful to us, but we most want to be complimented for those things that were private victories. It’s often difficult to get this kind of information out of people, and that’s especially true of Asian girls who aren’t used to talking about themselves.
The key is to skip the profile questions (which we’ll talk about in the next section on comfort), and to get into skills, personal interests, unique experiences and perspectives.
Most women would be far more flattered if you complimented them on their knowledge of Russian novels rather than the fact that they work at xyz company, but it’s much harder to find that out unless you have thought about it in advance.
A seemingly simple question like, “are you reading any good books now?” or “have your read any interesting books recently?” will lead you down far more useful conversation threads than standard questions we ask people, like “what do you do?” or “where are you from?”
So to do qualification well, you’ll need to put some thought into questions that might lead you to the kind of information you’re hoping to uncover. The more specific you know what you’re looking for, the better you can craft the types of questions that will lead you to those traits.
It’s important that you don’t think vaguely of things like, “I want someone adventurous,” because most people think of themselves as adventurous on some level and what you’re really looking for is someone who wants to have the same kinds of adventures as you do.
Without thinking about this deeply, you won’t know where to take your conversations and what conversational threads to cut and which ones to go into more deeply.
There is nothing more flattering than being appreciated for your unique qualities and when you can qualify women well, they will feel like you are one of the few people to really pay attention to them in the way they’ve always wanted.
In your ongoing relationships, you need to continuously show your gratitude to the people in your life so they feel that they aren’t wasting the effort they put into the relationship and encourage them to keep putting in that effort.
Now, once a girl enjoys interacting with you (Attraction) and she feels that you genuinely like her for who she is as a person through Qualification, you can move into the next phase, Comfort.
Comfort has many stages, all the way from small talk, to deep conversation where you reveal your deepest, darkest, innermost secrets.
In Attraction and Qualification you establish mutual romantic interest, and for some (many?) girls that can be enough to go straight into sex…in fact some girls don’t even need qualification either, or very low levels of it (groupies are a good example of this).
Comfort is, in a lot of ways the arena where you play much of the Game. Strangers are inherently untrustworthy and dangerous, but the more time you spend with someone without anything bad happening, the less threatening they seem.
As such, just by spending time with someone you build increasing levels of comfort. However we want to amp up the value of that time by doing some specific things.
Sharing basic profile information like where you are from, how many people are in your family, what your job is, your favorite tv show, movie, music, who your friends are and if you like cats or dogs better.
People use this basic information to create a mental image of the type of person you are that they can relate to their existing models of people they know so they feel a sense of familiarity.
Spending time together, talking and doing things gives her a sense of how well you can work together. Also, by sharing intimate details from your lives with one another, judgement free, you create a kind of emotional bond as being fully accepted despite the imperfections and flaws that we seek to cover up in everyday life.
Increasing levels of comfort allow people to be more open and that’s where sex comes into it.
Sexcalation is short for sexual escalation and it means just that, escalating the level of sexuality in the interaction. This starts early with initiating basic touching, but usually increases at a much higher rate in comfort.
Also includes sexual innuendo and jokes, as well as what’s called, sexual state projection, triangular gazing, and seductive kino.
Sexual state projection is when you take on the body language that communicates sexual intent. You can recognize this in movies just before the “kiss” when the couple is enveloped in a love bubble and time slows down.
There are specific changes you make to your facial expression, voice tonality, eye contact, the way you move and the way that you touch that communicate this sexual state and by adopting those, you draw the other person into it as well because humans “ping” emotions off of one another.
Add in triangular gazing which is looking from one eye to another, and down to her (or his) lips and it creates a really strong sexual vibe.
Seductive kino is about how and where you touch. Part of the where means touching in increasingly intimate places, like resting your hand or arm on her thigh, but it can also mean touching her skin in more subtle ways like having your hand on her back with a few fingers slipped between the gap between her t-shirt and her jeans so that you have direct skin on skin contact with her lower back.
There are lots of other ways to touch women in very subtly seductive ways, but it does take creativity, practice and experience to become good at it.
Also in the later stages of Sexcalation, especially if you’re in the sex location, you’ll get objections to progressing further. In general, if you are getting objections it mean that you missed some things in Qualification and Comfort, and you’ll need to cycle back to those.
Objections generally fall into two major categories:
- What does having sex mean for the relationship going forward?
- Are you going to judge her negatively for having sex with you ie do you think she’s a slut if you have sex?
If sex is part of an ongoing exploration of what kind of relationship you two could have going forward and if you’re not judgemental of women, then it’s not too difficult to convey that however if you are looking for a one night stand or do think less of women who have sex with you, then you’ll have a real hard time in many cases, though in western countries one night stands are increasingly acceptable and even desirable for many women who want to avoid relationship entanglements.
The key thing to understand about these 5 phases, is that how much of each you put into your interactions, yields different results.
For example, if you do a lot of Attraction and Sexcalation, then you will tend to attract women who are interested in one night stands.
If you run a lot of Qualification and Comfort but very little (or no) Sexcalation and Attraction, then you will communicate that you are looking for friends.
Each woman is different and how much of each of these she needs varies widely. Some women really want you to show how much you like them through Qualification, while others need a lot more Comfort before they feel comfortable being sexual, while still others will only need a lot of Attraction.
So, you need to look at these as elements that you can apply according to the situation, the girl, and your goals.